Talk About White Trash! By Deborah Fagan Carpenter

You can find it almost anywhere you look in the South. Okay, maybe they have it in other parts of the country too, but frankly we think ours has its own special quality. We Southerners have a deep rooted love of our lush, rich land, and we’ve dedicated ourselves to preserving it and our way of life. And we’re an accommodating lot who welcome diversity, no matter its form, so by George, we’ve learned to embrace the curious, but rampant custom. I’m talkin’ about the spread of White Trash!

Now before you get your knickers in a knot and charge me with prejudice against other colors, hold the fort! Southerners take special care to scatter trash in ways that accentuate the beauty of our surroundings, utilizing a wide variety of colors and color combinations. Rural roads are sometimes highlighted with shades of cerulean trash for example, which serves as an accessory to compliment even the most beautiful farmland that lives under the wide expanse of sky of the same rich color.

Debris color-coordination is demonstrated along the banks of the mighty Mississippi River, where blue is also often the color of choice. The azure trash glistens brilliantly in the sunlight, and when the aluminum cans travel down the river to the Gulf of Mexico, they continue to spread beauty and splendor for many years—two or three hundred to be precise—in the oceans and waterways of the world. We generously share our red, white and blue refuse with all.

There’s even the popular distribution of clear trash! Clear plastic bottles break up the monotony of all that white trash, and also harmonizes attractively with blue, red or green trash. While it may not be as colorful, those clear plastic bottles have real staying power and will generally reinforce the scenery for about 100 years!

Clearly art classes in the South teach creative trash dispersal and color coordination to ensure innovative enhancement of the countryside. And don’t press me on this, but I’m pretty certain students learn about conscientious trash distribution in Civics class. They do still teach Civics, don’t they? Well never mind. Whether or not it’s studied in the classrooms of today, tomorrow’s Anthropology classes will no doubt benefit from the analysis of today’s “white trash.”

Trash, regardless of color, has genuine stamina and will enhance our environment for years to come. For example, the glass bottles that beautify the landscape today, will be around—well, forever! Sadly, the plastic bag that the beer bottle or soft drink can was placed in at the convenience store will likely stay intact for only a few years, so its decorating lifespan is limited. But relax, that plastic bag still serves a useful purpose in the system. After the bag breaks down and blows into the nearby lake or river, it may be ingested by a speckled trout or catfish and make its way to someone’s dinner plate, and the beat goes on. Alas, trash endures!

Trash in all its colors and forms has many useful functions. It reflects the standards of the residents of an area, so it influences tourism.  Visitors immediately recognize how inhabitants value their community and how proud they are to show it off. Wildlife overpopulation is controlled by providing plastic for the choking or suffocating of birds and marine life. Trash adds interesting decor to waterways and oceans. Trash provides useful activity for work release programs and so aids in the prevention of incarceration boredom. The list is endless! It’s enough to make you want to rush right out and buy some beer cans to pitch out your car window!

So there you have it Yankees!  We’ll put our trash up against your trash any day. White Trash; love it or leave it!

Amen.