Spoken Hereabouts
by Gary Wright
“There’s way too much religion in the South
to be consistent with good mental health.”
— George Carlin
Over in No Hope County, Alabama things aren’t often what they appear to be. They take things very seriously that need to be taken seriously and all else with a certain amount of frivolity. How, you may ask, do they know the difference? Well, you have to live there a while to answer that all important question. Here in these United States there are two distinct areas: the beloved, Bonnie South and some vague place up ‘north,’ of No Hope where the climate is persistently cold, the people are colder, the landscape is harsh and uninviting. They say that the sky is perpetually choked with smog ‘up’ there. It is much more than just a direction; it is a state of mind, an unattractive place in setting and in thinking in the minds of most loyal No Hopians.
The South once tried to become a republic and failed miserably. Now it has determined to become an insane asylum filled with irreverent reprobates, irascible characters, and inhospitable weather. It seems to be succeeding beyond all expectations. It is a place where words become more than words or even change their meaning entirely by extending the sound or gesticulation of various body parts. For example, ‘over yonder’ can mean in the corner of the room or ‘over yonderrrrr’ can mean t’other side of the town and ‘over yonderrrrr’ while extending the arm and waving of the hand can mean on the next continent.
‘Up north’ is much more than just a direction, for one can say, “(from Florida) I’m going up north to South Carolina” and the meaning is perfectly clear and understandable. However, if one says simply, “I’m going up north” everyone knows only too well the intended destination but the average Southerner cannot imagine whatever for.
It has been over 150 years since the cessation of hostilities caused by the ‘northern invasion.’ There is not a one of you northern residents alive today that I hold personally responsible for that act of aggression perpetuated on the peace-loving South. However, just as we hold ourselves responsible for the untoward acts of our children, we must also feel a certain obligation for the conduct of our ancestors. It is all in the breeding, you know. The true stock of a family line will always demonstrate its worth, both forward and backward in time. That’s an old No Hope tradition that’s hard to die.
One of the greatest faults of those who inhabit the north is their inability to speak properly. They speak as if they are just full of words and must get as many of them out as possible and as quickly as possible. For instance, they say ‘plece’ instead of police; whereas the Southerner will slowly and sometimes, painfully, enunciate every syllable by saying, ‘po’-leeeeze.’ Southerners hang onto each and every sound as though, by speaking, they are losing a part of themselves. We often tend to laboriously and molassesly articulate each and every vowel. In fact, sometimes we even make up vowels that aren’t even there. Sometimes, even words . . . .
Another word of note is ‘please.’ Up north it is pronounced ‘plece,’ much as the word ‘plece’ for ‘police.’ It is difficult to see the difference, whereas, in the South it is pronounced ‘pul-leeeese.’ See the difference? Many Yankees would simply say it’s all in the context. For instance, if you were robbing a bank with your fellow Yankee buddy and he suddenly and vociferously yelled, “Plece!” one would probably ascertain that he was referring to the source of the siren noise and not just using a word of politeness.
While we’re at it, let’s talk about double emphasis. The word ‘mobile’ is pronounced up north as ‘mo’bul.’ However, when one is referring to the capital of Lower Alabama (or L.A. was we call it,) it is pronounced with emphasis on both syllables as in ‘Mo’ beel.’ Certain sounds are truly special and must be double-emphasized in order to give the rightful respect they deserve. Motel is pronounced mo’tel’; Detroit is Dee’ troit’; hotel is ho’tel’; guitar is gee’ tar’ and so on, ad naseum.
It is difficult to know exactly what is on the mind of a Southerner. If you irritate a Southerner on purpose, she will probably ‘slap the daylights’ out of you and go on about her business. However, if you only slightly vex her, especially with no spite aforethought, she will simply wage a guerrilla war on you by telling you in painful detail every component of every subject under the sun with particular emphasis on pronouncing every vowel in every word at least three times. Her war on you will likely last for the next hundred years. So, it behooves you to ‘get on’ with the local gentry.
People in the South are mainly comprised of two types: those who like to talk and those who don’t like to listen. They’ll ask you questions to see how much you know. If you don’t seem to know a lot, then they will tell you much more than you could possibly want to know. If you seem to know a lot, then they will assume that you are know-it-all and will just leave in the middle of your sentence thinking, rightfully, that you are not worthy of receiving their knowledge.
No Hopians are given to over-exaggeration. One can’t just say that Bo Baugh gets angry quickly. No! ‘He goes from zero degrees to Atlanta burning in slightly under one nano-second.’ Bessie Mae Simms is known for swooning and drama queenship but she didn’t just get upset when she found out that Ozzie Newsworthy was two-timing her; ‘she liked to have had a heart attack.’ It’s not enough for Alva Grace Overhanger to get overheated in the July sun, she starts ‘sweatin’ like a sinner in church.’
No one knows how to nurse a hurt feeling like a true Southerner. And no one except a dyed-in-the-wool Southerner knows exactly how to exact revenge for a wrong done to her, whether real or perceived. Under all those ‘yes’ms,’ ‘oh, you pore thang,’ ‘well, bless yore pore little heart’ and ‘ain’t you jist the one’ may well lurk a thought process resident somewhere between gentle retaliation and pure-death hatred. And, just like cause and effect in real-life, the strangest and sometimes, the mildest provocation will cause the avengement to erupt. A true Southerner, though, will hardly ever come right to the point and address the injury by name, rather, she will sugar coat her affronts and payback with a series of ‘my dears,’ ‘yo mamas,’ ‘ever so lovelys’ and that deadliest of all epithets ‘well, bless yore heart.’
Like I always say, it always pays to be on your best behavior in No Hope County and do try to get along with the locals, especially the female of the species. Y’all do come back now, hear?
Images: Deborah Fagan Carpenter
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